Giving the world a hand since February 3rd, 2002. "If you're gonna dine with them cannibals, sooner or later, darling, you're gonna get eaten."




Comments by YACCS

 
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

Scientists in Scotland say they have found proof of the so-called "beer goggles" effect, following a study involving 80 students.

Lucky students!

How exactly does one become a Scottish scientist? I think I may have found my calling...
so wrote Leper around about 9:25 PM

 
WEASEL IN THE COURTROOM

Check this out. Never have I seen a more perfect example of "evading the question". Notice that the judge involved (U.S. District Judge Robert G. Doumar) was appointed by noted Liberal stooge President Ronald Reagan.

Doumar began the hearing by saying he would focus exclusively on the Mobbs declaration [Michael H. Mobbs, a special adviser in the Defense Department, the individual that filed a two-page declaration of facts on behalf of the government on the Hamdi case.]. But he added, "If I rely on this, then I must pick it apart. And if you gave me the information, then all of this could have been avoided."

For the next hour, he proceeded to pepper Assistant Solicitor General Gregory G. Garre with questions both momentous and minimal: Who is Mobbs? And what qualified him to be a "special adviser"?

Garre said Mobbs was an undersecretary of defense, substantially involved with detainee issues.

"My secretary's familiar with the Hamdi case," the judge said. "Should she decide? She's a special adviser."

This answers the question "who decides exactly which people are considered 'unlawful combatants'?" The answer: ummm....this guy. Why? Ummm...because we told him to.....

Doumar noted that the declaration doesn't say how long Hamdi would need to be detained and for what purpose: "How long does it take to question a man?" the judge asked. "A year? Two years? Ten years? A lifetime?"

Garre said he couldn't answer that now "any better than we could 11 months after Pearl Harbor."

So now he's comparing the roundup of suspected terrorists to.....what? The roundup & detainment of Japanese Americans from the West Coast? Great vague reference there, Cochise.

In a typical exchange, Doumar asked, "Can the military do anything they want with him, without a tribunal?"

"The present detention is lawful," Garre said.

Doumar asked again, "What restraints are there?" Garre said Hamdi had asked to speak to diplomats from Saudi Arabia, where he was raised.

"Can I beg you to answer my question?" Doumar then said. "If the military sat him in boiling oil, would that be lawful?" Garre said he didn't think anyone had suggested that.

Note the scornful remarks, evidence of the frustration felt by the judge. And by me. Hell, I'm only reading it! Imagine what actually being there would've been like!

Garre said that Mobbs was merely providing the factual foundation and that the military had made the decision. "The reason why the courts have a limited role is, under our constitutional system, the executive [branch] is the branch which is in the best position to make the military determination," Garre said.

Ahhh, the root of the issue. Garre is essentially saying "I don't have to answer your questions as you don't have the proper perspective", or in layman's terms, "run along, sonny, we adults have something to discuss". This completely sidesteps the issue that the military has no jurisdiction to arrest US citizens. That is a function of the FBI & local law enforcement, in conjunction with the federal & state judiciary.

"I have no desire to have an enemy combatant get out of any status," Doumar said. "However, I do think that due process requires something other than a basic assertion by someone named Mobbs that they have looked at some papers and therefore they have determined he should be held incommunicado. Just think of the impact of that. Is that what we're fighting for?"

Amen.
(via the Hauser Report)

so wrote Leper around about 12:48 AM

 
Huh. I thought it would be more....not that I'm complaining....

You are 19% geek

OK, so maybe you ain't a geek. You do, at least, show a bit of interest in the world around you. Either that, or you have enough of a sense of humor to pick some of the sillier answers on the test. Regardless, you're probably a pretty nifty, well-rounded person who gets along fine with people and can chat with just about anyone without fear of looking stupid or foolish or overly concerned with minutiae. God, I hate you.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

so wrote Leper around about 1:09 PM

 
From The Daily Probe

Bush's Annual Physical Detects Cognitive, Tool-Making Abilities

WASHINGTON (DPI) - At his annual physical this week, President Bush stunned Navy doctors by fashioning a tool for a specific task using new materials not encountered in the wild. The discovery was made by accident when doctors left Bush alone in an examination room for a few minutes, then returned to find that Bush had bent several tongue-depressors to form hooks capable of retrieving lollipops from a tall jar on the counter. "We left Bush alone again later with more depressors," said Lt. Commander Paul Schultz. "Nine times out of 10 he solved the problem to perfection." The 10th time he got a depressor stuck in his ear, Schultz said.

And:

U.S. to Topple Saddam With Help of Iraq's Ewoks

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The White House expressed anger today over a recent New York Times article that revealed the president's plan to oust Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein by galvanizing the country's ewoks. "I've seen *Return of the Jedi* on several occasions, and I am consistently impressed with the fighting skills of those little guys," responded President Bush. "The Iraqis are preparing for a full-scale air assault or perhaps a massive attack by ground troops. I believe that an ewok-driven attack consisting of slingshots, rocks, and big piles of logs that roll downhill into people would catch the Iraqis completely off guard."

Heh.

so wrote Leper around about 4:29 PM

 
WHY CATS RULE THE WORLD

Cats.

Cute. Furry. Cuddily.

Indescribably evil.

I believe that the dominant species on the planet is the cat. Oh, sure, they look innocent enough, but once you look at the details, a web of intrigue & deception falls into place.

I currently share the house with two cats: George (just over a year old) and Nuisance (about 11 years old). I've noticed that whenever you catch them doing something that they have been scolded for many times, they give you that "oh, shit, I'm busted"-wide-eyed look. This is because they are only pretending to be less intelligent than humans. They know full well what we don't want them to do, which is why they do it only when the chances of them getting caught are minimal.

Cats also are consumate manipulators. They can get almost anything they want by either being really annoying until their human gives in, or by being super cute & cuddily (both tricks I suspect they learned from watching small human children). Out of food? Meow loudly until someone takes care of it. Litterbox full? Crap on the carpet. Want someone to fawn over you? Play with a ball of string while being totally cute.

Cats have only two real problems. The first is the fact that they cannot manipulate objects with the manual dexterity of humans. Opening doors, tins of food, books, basic hand tools, guns, and other vital things are simply beyond them. In response to this, some cats have taken it upon themselves to begin their own genetic breeding program to give themselves opposable thumbs. The second problem was a big shock to the "master race", one that they hadn't planned on. It seems that some humans have begun a program of fixing and/or declawing cats in their care. These acts have caused great consternation in the cat world, as can be seen in their behavior. You see, cats tend to wait until everyone in the house is asleep to do all of their major scheming--fewer distractions or chances of the humans catching wind of their plans. The fixing/declawing movement has them so worked up that when they attempt to think of a solution, they only manage to get themselves all anxious & tense. This can be seen in their nocturnal behavior, running around, dashing from room to room, running skittishly away from any humans they encounter late at night. You'd run away, too, if your pet gerbil wanted to take you to the clinic & tell the doctor "Yeah, just cut 'em off. Oh, and yank out his finger & toenails while you're at it."

What about the other animals on the planet?

Dogs - Dogs? Get serious. The only thing they have going for them is size. Besides, dogs have jumped onto the human bandwagon, believing them to be the eventual winners for world dominance.
Dolphins - Dolphins are the frat boys of the oceans. They travel in packs, eat mass quantities of food, and have been known to head-butt humans & pick on their smaller porpoise cousins from time to time. If they didn't already live underwater, they'd drink like fish.
Whales - Most whales are like hippies--they move slowly, spend most of their time involved with music, and only eat organic foods. Hippies weren't able to take over America in the 60's, what makes you think they would be able to take over the world now?
Cows - Cows won't rule the world because they have it so good being ruled by the humans. Bulls are actually encouraged to breed as much as possible. What male wouldn't like that? As for female cows, let me tell you, milking machines are to female cows what sex toys are to female humans...
Apes - Too much like humans, which makes them just as vulnerable to the wiles of cats. I've seen photos where gorillas were fawning over a kitten.

As you can see, the true tyrants of the Earth are the wily cats. Continue to love your cats, but sleep with one eye open, as someday the uprising will take place. I can only hope that more people will see them for what they really are before it's too late....
so wrote Leper around about 3:55 PM

 
...AND NOW, WITHOUT FURTHER DELAY...

The Butter Cow - Check out the weird udders! Maybe the cow started to melt during the photo shoot?

David Letterman Fan - Imagine seeing this ugly mug everywhere you looked...

David Letterman Fan (with stick) - If you look closely, you can see the staples holding his head on the stick.

Many thanks to Shell for hosting the images, and Steve for offering to do so (but losing the coin toss).
so wrote Leper around about 12:33 AM

 
Ok, got the images scanned, but having problems figuring out how to post them. I kinda skimmed over this stuff when I taught myself HTML. Anyone wanna give this idiot a clue?

UPDATE: the free version of Blogger doesn't allow posting images. Damn.

Anyone wanna host two really goofy .jpegs from the Iowa State Fair? I guess I could e-mail the images to the curious as well. The Letterman one made me laugh so hard my stomach hurt...

ADD'L UPDATE: both Shell & Steve have offered to host the images (within two minutes of each other, no less!), which forced me to flip a coin. The winner was....Shell. Links up soon. Many thanks to both of them for offering!
so wrote Leper around about 11:23 PM

 
Ok, back from the fair. Very tired....but I got to see the butter cow. Also, the other butter sculpture was.....the Peanuts gang. Yeah, from the comic strip by Charles Schultz. In butter. They looked like someone had sculpted a small child's body, and then stuck a globe on the neck. A globe with eyes. And weird black wire hair. Pig Pen was wrapped in some kind of dark translucent mesh to signify his dust cloud. Woodstock was strung from the ceiling of the display case like some kind of demented lactose-based Christmas ornament. Even Franklin (Peanuts' token minority) was sculpted in brown butter--but only his head. The rest of him was made out of the same creamy white as the rest of the gang.

I had to wait in line for 15 minutes to see this.

I'm so ashamed.

Since I don't own a camera or have access to a digital camera, I did the next best thing: I bought a Butter Cow postcard (it was only a quarter!). Tomorrow I'll try to scan it & post for all to see. Oh, I also got a David Letterman cardboard hand fan (you know, to keep you cool when it's really humid & you're standing on black asphalt under a beating sun amongst 90,000 other people). It was kinda creepy in a Big Brother-ish way to see Letterman's face everywhere (being waved by small children, peeking out from back pockets, sticking out of bags, etc.). I'll see if I can scan that, too.

For dinner, I went to a permanent building on the fairgrounds that advertised a steak, potato, salad, and Texas toast for $6.99 (so you know it's a good cut of meat *snort*). When I got up to the "cook" to order my steak, I ordered it well-done. What does "well-done" mean? It means take a rare strak from the grill & throw it in the deep-fat fryer until it looks "well-done". Inside it was still rare. Hell, I saw steak hurt worse than that still walking around & being shown off in the various competitions! Ugh.
To compensate for the less-than-savory meal, I had a funnel cake. Mmmmmm, deep-fat fried dough with powered sugar.....

Also:

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
If the temperature is going to be above 80 degrees (it was actually 93F) and you're going to the State Fair, please dress appropriately--but use common sense. Black jeans & a long-sleeve flannel shirt are not appropriate. Wearing lycra if you're under 5'4" and weigh over 180 lbs is not using common sense. I know we all can't be beautiful, but damn, have some dignity!
so wrote Leper around about 11:35 PM