Leper Messiah |
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Giving the world a hand since February 3rd, 2002. "If you're gonna dine with them cannibals, sooner or later, darling, you're gonna get eaten." I pity the fool that doesn't e-mail me! People I Like NowThis Medley Wil Wheaton Freakgirl Flit Cockeyed Hockeybird Hockey Rodent NotMyDesk rc3 Jes Golbez CjB Online Kit Up Off-Wing Opinion Divinest Sense Defensetech Strategypage Juan Cole The Poor Man Gamespot ValueJudgement The Hockey Pundits PuckUpdate Margaret Cho GU Comics Wargamer PvP Propstore Isohunt Newsy-type People Talking Points Memo Americablog This Modern World Daily Kos Blueshirt Bulletin Blacksheepnews ESPN Hockey Atrios TSN Hockey Good Stuff ScrappleFace The Digital Bits TV Picks TV Tattle Top5.com The Daily Probe FARK Authors David Brin Stephen R. Donaldson Harlan Ellison David Gerrold William Gibson Diane Duane John Scalzi Archives  
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Friday, December 24, 2004
THIS JUST IN (LMI) North Pole - A recent revelation has cast doubt on Rudolph's role in the saving of Christmas. The 527 group "Reindeer Veterans For Truth" has issued a press release, making a case that Rudolph was not responsible for leading Santa's sleigh, as was stated in the song. "Rudolph lied. He paid for that song out of his own pocket," said Vixen, "and it's common knowledge who is responsible for his red nose: his three friends Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, and Jose Cuervo." "Santa's sleigh wasn't saved by a glowing red nose. Santa bought a millimeter-wave radar off of Ebay. I think it was off an old Iranian F-14A. The fat man strapped it to the back of one of the reindeer. None of the others wanted to risk getting cancer from the electromagnetic waves, so Rudolph was picked. Nobody liked him, so he was the most expendable." He went on to reveal that because of the radar purchase, the sleigh now has look-down/shoot-down capability. The new revelation has caused waves in the Defense Department. "This is a most troubling development," said Secretary Rumsfeld from Tikrit, "The world is at the mercy of a jolly, fat madman. The American people will not stand for it." In addition to his statement, Secretary Rumsfeld has closed American airspace to Santa, issued a shoot-down on sight order to the Air Force, and raised the Terror Alert Level worldwide to Imminent for December 24th & 25th. It was revealed earlier this week that the CIA has known of the capability upgrade to Santa's sleigh since May. A report was sent to the White House in June, but no action has been taken since. President Bush was unconcerned. "America is safer after the capture of Saddam Hussein. The world is more safer. Only the enemies of freedom still oppose our policies." When asked to elaborate, the President responded, "We are safer. How can you not understand that?" |