Leper Messiah

Giving the world a hand since February 3rd, 2002. "If you're gonna dine with them cannibals, sooner or later, darling, you're gonna get eaten."

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Thursday, July 15, 2010

I write like
J. D. Salinger

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

1. Wil doesn't speak directly to you, he twitters and expects that you follow his feed.
2. When Wil played goalie, he allowed goals in because he felt sorry for the shooter.
3. If Wil's life was a TV series, he would play himself AND the "wacky next-door neighbor" character.
4. Wil has never shot a man in Reno just to watch him die, but he has run over a squirrel and then hit it with a shovel to put it out of its misery.
5. Wil is so confident, he started his playoff beard *last year*.
6. Wil's diet consists solely of Red Vines and Jose Cuervo.
7. Wil's role on Star Trek was autobiographical.
8. Wil doesn't sleep, he writes.
9. One weekend a year Wil is known as Trixie Devine. But only to perfect strangers.
10. Wil doesn't get angry, he makes random appearances in webcomics belittling your performance in bed.

Monday, February 09, 2009

There are few things more disturbing than having your 4 1/2 year old in the back seat singing along with the music: "I wanna go back to the way it was, when I knew that you were mine..."

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Daughter (pointing to sealant around sink in bathoom): Daddy, what's that?

Me: That's caulk.

Daughter: I don't like caulk.

Me: Let's keep it that way until you're 18.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Meet Clark, the Canadian Hockey Goalie.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

So the place is a mess, the dust thick, & I don't feel like cleaning. I'll get around to it soon.


Your results:
You are Malcolm Reynolds (Captain)

Malcolm Reynolds (Captain)
Dr. Simon Tam (Ship Medic)
Kaylee Frye (Ship Mechanic)
Wash (Ship Pilot)
Zoe Washburne (Second-in-command)
Jayne Cobb (Mercenary)
Derrial Book (Shepherd)
River (Stowaway)
Inara Serra (Companion)
A Reaver (Cannibal)
Honest and a defender of the innocent.
You sometimes make mistakes in judgment
but you are generally good and
would protect your crew from harm.

Click here to take the Serenity Firefly Personality Test

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Voted today. Iowa is probably the best state in the country for early voting. You don't even need a reason other than "I wanna".

Why don't other states do this?

Monday, July 31, 2006

Compare & contrast these bunkers in Switzerland. Bitter remnants of a cold-war mentality, or poignant (even beautiful) reminders of of a bygone era?

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

One of my favorite sketch comedy groups was on Comedy Central for one season: The Vacant Lot. Most of the members are brothers of other more successful sketch comedy groupmembers--except the tall guy. Now, thanks to YouTube, I can enjoy the sketches all over again.

Blinded by the Light - Ever wondered what the song lyrics REALLY were?

Caught at the Border! - Justice (and fun) south of the border.

We're Gonna Get Lucky Tonight! - Not for the accident prone...

Slept on his Arms Last Night - A music video. Pay attemtion, you may just learn something before it's done. Beverage warning: no drinking during video unless you have a Pepsi-proof keyboard.

Pamper Me - A music video about infantilism. How they made this funny is nothing short of a stroke of genius.

Mr Wiggles Clubhouse - A Mr Rodgers parody. I've already done one spit take watching this. Look out for "pumpkin spider!"

Shiatzu - Visual joke.

Bonnet - Simple. Straighforward. Left field.



Limbaugh was detained for more than three hours Monday at the airport after returning from a vacation in the Dominican Republic.

CNN in the style of talk radio:
Well-known drug fiend Rush Limbaugh was arrensted on the way home from a week-long binge of illegal drugs & underage hookers. Anonymous sources say he needs the Viagara just to "get it up", owing to an injury he suffered during a brief stint with Satanism last year.

Which contains more facts? Nobody knows, and that's how Conservatives operate, polluting your opinion before you know the facts. It also is how the MSM is falling down on the job by regurgitating the Conservative talking points rather than doing their damn jobs & finding out the truth. Repeating a lie--by either side--is not "being balanced", it's laziness.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Ok, I like Led Zepplin. However, even I realize that "Stairway to Heaven" is the most overplayed songs in radio history. I physically cringe every time it comes on. This knowledge didn't stop others from making covers of the song, most of which are even more bloodcurdling than the original.

Be sure to check out the one by the Far Corporation. The horror kicks in after the acoustic part. It suddenly morphs into late disco/Jan Hammer "Miami Vice" 80's crap. The Dread Zepplin pseudo-raggae-with-the-Elvis-impersonator version is kinda cute, though.

Remember: I warned you. The management of this site cannot be held responsible for any bleeding of the inner or outer ear caused by blunt force trauma.

Monday, May 01, 2006

How do you make a Best Buy manager throw a blood clot?

Try this.


Monday, February 13, 2006

Just burnt out. Not abandoning the blog, just taking a break.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Wear this t-shirt.


Sunday, August 07, 2005

"It's not just Velcro and Tang anymore! We use duct tape & caulk, too!"

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Did you ever notice that there are no Christians in the Bible? The only one that could be considered one is Jesus, and since he actually is God (well, one third of Him), it'd be pretty conceited of him to worship Himself. I mean, talk about narcissism!

Monday, July 11, 2005

(Scene: bigwig movie mogul's office in Hollywood)

Hotshot Producer: "Hey, I've got this great idea for a movie!"
Movie Mogul: "What's it about?"
HP: "It's about this guy, who moves to a small town that has outlawed dancing.."
MM: "Go on..."
HP: "...and this guy, he's simply gotta dance!"
MM: "And?"
HP: "That's it."
MM: "Hmmm..."
HP: "I figure we can get one of those really hot young 'brat pack' stars to play the lead."
MM: "Well...Robert Downey Jr. is too coked out, and Judd Nelson is too creepy looking."
HP: "What about Kevin Bacon?"
MM: "Yeah, he might work. I hear he wants to form a band with his brother, but I think I can sweettalk him into putting that project on hold for awhile."
HP: "Yeah, he'd be great!"
MM: "I smell a hit!"
HP: "As far as the themesong, I was thinking that Kenny Loggins would be perfect. I mean, he did such a bang-up job with "Caddyshack". Who knows? We may even have him write a song for that up and comer Tom Cruise someday..."

(The preceding events may or may not have been based on real life events. The author didn't bother to do any research, so he made up shit instead. Hey, it works for Rush Limbaugh...)

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Remember the innocent fun of comic books? Well, prepare to have those golden childhood memories crushed as you view superdickery.com! The gallery of comic book covers proves what an asshole Superman really was! And for more Pepsi-shooting-out-your-nose fun, check out the gallery called Seduction of the Innocent.

Really, cover your keyboard. Seriously.

Hey, don't blame me. I warned you.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Saw this and it made me wonder:

Does an oath taken on a holy book of a religion you don't follow mean anything? Whether it be Muslims on the Christian Bible, atheists on any holy book, or what have you, does it mean anything at all? Basically, swearing an oath on the Bible is saying that if I lie, then (the Christian) God can do with me what He will. If you don't believe or follow Him, what then?

As an atheist, swearing such for me is about as meaningful as swearing an oath to Puff the Magic Dragon. It doesn't mean that I will lie, but that the implied threat is null and void.



No, I haven't been killed by Nazi frogmen, or crushed underneath a falling Oprah. What I have been doing is way too many trips to the doctor, for me and the child.

Day after Memorial Day: Keira swallows an aquarium rock she found on the floor. Said rock goes down her windpipe, almost to her lung. The inevitable trip to the emergency room, emergency surgery (bronchioscope), and overnight stay in the pediatric intensive care (just in case) result. Not looking forward to that bill, even with insurance. The best part? We got to keep the rock! That is so going in her baby book.

Last Saturday: I woke up and couldn't move my head. At all. A trip to the doctor thenext day revealed that I was the proud owner of neck spasms. Never had them? Well, imagine the muscles in your neck wanting to bend your head backwards in order to meet your spine. The pain was second only to the kidney stone I had back in '01. I'm currently taking a muscle relaxant that makes me dizzy & sleepy. Hooray!

So, yeah, busy.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Need to curse around the kids, but afraid of warping their fragile little minds? Well, then go try out some of the words from the fictional curse words page! Soon, you'll be swearing like a frelling piece of felgercarb.

Just like all the cool kids.

(via Freakgirl)

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Finally saw Revenge of the Sith. A good movie, as long as you look at the pretty pictures and don't try to think about what is going on.

First, we went to the new theater in town. The one that has a Starbucks in it. I could've had cheesecake. At a movie. They also sold kettle corn, hot dogs, ice cream, nachos, pretzel bites, and cookies, in addition to the usual movie fare. We spent more on food than on tickets.

Speaking of tickets, Iowa now has a theater where you can buy your tickets online. About time. Not a perfect system, as you have to print out a page with a barcode on it (unlike in D.C. where you use your credit card to pick up your tickets at an automated kiosk), but much better than standing in line.

The special effects and action are AWESOME. The opening action scene and the lightsaber fight between Anakin & Obi-wan are worth the price of admission alone. I was, however, disappointed with the seeming ease of the defeats of both Count Dooku and General Grevious. I'd have thought that those would be a little more....challenging. I guess Lucas didn't want to make the movie any longer than he had to.

Speaking of Lucas, whatever directorial magic he had when shooting American Graffitti or the first Star Wars is totally gone now. All of the dialogue--ALL of it--was wooden and awkward. This was especially true of the scenes with Anakin & Padme. Hayden Christiansen and Natalie Portman are fine actors, but what is it about them that the suck the life out of each other whenever thay are on screen together? I was physically cringing every time they talked. Was that Lucas' directing? Or his script?

There were also little things that bugged me so much. This happened all throught the movie. At the end, would Obi-wan really have stood around & lectured Anakin--after having cut off his legs & left arm--and then watch as his padawan & friend burst into flame? Is that the compassionate Jedi Master we've come to know after 28 years and six movies? Would Yoda really have given up so easily during his fight with the Emperor? "Oh, well, I tried. Time to go into hiding!" Remember his "Do or do not. There is no try" statement to Luke? And why doesn't Vader remember ever owning those droids? Didn't he recognize C3PO at Bespin? He build the damn thing! Why wipe the memory of C3PO only? Why not R2D2? Why did Mace Windu bring along three other Jedi, when all they did was become speedbumps between him and the Emperor? I'd have thought that Jedi would've lasted longer than three seconds apiece.

Anakin's agonizing at slipping under the influence of the Dark Side also were kinda weak. "I feel bad about killing him/killing them/doing that, but I want more power to save my wife, so it's ok." He shakes things off waaaay too easily. Also, about 2/3 the way through the movie, he changes from loving husband to creepy-ex-that-you-have-the-restraining-order-against guy. "I'm doing this all for you, so we can rule the galaxy together and you won't die." Feh.

Lucas' clumsy attempt to link the history of the Republic to what is happening in Real Life was also so ham-fisted that it interfered with my viewing pleasure. His plot was the equivalent of having an obnoxious fanboy sitting next to you, nudging you with his elbow & pointing at the screen, whispering too loudly into your ear with his overwhelming halitosis breath, saying "See? See the parallels with our current political crisis? Isn't Star Wars relevant? This is truly a modern-day Illiad!"

In the end, if you go into this looking for a movie of deep meaning and significance, you'll be terribly disappointed. If, however, you treat this like the visual brain candy that it really is, you'll be happy. The movie fails on its attempted deeper level, but on such a grandiose scale that you can't help but marvel at the balls it took to mount such an undertaking. That, coupled with the jaw-dropping action & special effects, make this a pretty decent movie. Better than Phantom Menace or Attack of the Clones, to be sure.

In short: watch, don't think, and you'll like it.